Carolin Kebekus on becoming a mother: "I wanted everyone to say: Wow, you did a great job!"

With her trademark wit, Carolin Kebekus fires back in her book "8000 Ways to Fail as a Mother." The content, which reads like a stage monologue, reveals what will likely seem familiar to women with children. And it's aimed at all those who like to give mothers advice. The comedian addresses taboos and dispels common misconceptions.

A lunchtime conversation in Cologne:

Let me start with an annoying question: Where is your child now?

In daycare. That means it's professionally supervised. So nobody can say anything.

You mean no one can complain?

Exactly. As soon as you become a mother, everything gets commented on. Sleep, in particular, is a central topic of conversation. You're constantly asked: How's it sleeping? There's so much pressure in that question alone. If you say: It didn't sleep last night, you immediately get advice: You shouldn't do so much with the child during the day. It's too much stimulation. If you don't do much with the child and it still doesn't sleep, it's understimulated and not getting enough energy. People forget: A new mother is like an open wound. Our hormones are all over the place. We suddenly have to care for a human being, even though we're physically and emotionally completely incapable of doing so.

Is this how you imagined motherhood would be?

I had a long mental to-do list beforehand, outlining how things would go: matching outfits with the baby, a lovely breakfast by candlelight, and always looking my best. In reality, you're constantly chasing after the child with breakfast, and it's sticky everywhere except on the child. I also had to completely abandon my ambition to have the perfect thing for everything. At first, I even bought wool-silk bodysuits for ideal temperature regulation. But each bodysuit costs 30 euros and gets pooped on ten times a day.

You became a mother at 43. How often were you asked beforehand if you wanted children?

Very often. It's shocking that the question of motherhood is a small talk topic, something women are asked about in passing. Do you have children? Do you want children? Why don't you want any? I often find that others lack sensitivity to this question and to what lies behind it. Perhaps a woman has been trying to get pregnant for a long time, perhaps it's not working, perhaps she's already had miscarriages. A few years ago, when I was 40, I was even asked: Why didn't you want children? That's just outrageous.

What was your biggest fear before giving birth?

Will I be able to handle the responsibility? I was very independent for a long time before. I really liked my life before and I've given a lot of thought to how it will change and whether I'll still like it.

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And do you like it?

Very!

Who helped you?

My mother. She had the best advice. But the midwife's support was also crucial. I hadn't realized before how life-changing this profession is. The fact that midwives take on this work despite the poor pay and insurance chaos, because otherwise childbirth would become a purely hospital-based procedure, has deeply impressed me. No one there says, "I have 20 minutes per woman, then I'm leaving."

Were there any moments during the pregnancy and birth that you couldn't joke about in the book?

Especially in stressful situations, finding humor helps me. The postpartum period was the first time in my life I felt like I hadn't "made it." The birth wasn't easy. I had a four-day induction and then a C-section. During the healing process, something seroma-like had formed in the lower layers of my uterus. I was in constant pain and had to have it drained. After the birth, I couldn't even sit up in bed.

Was this feeling of helplessness new to you?

Being so sick that I couldn't move was something I'd never experienced before. Other people had to bring me everything. It wasn't until three weeks later that I was able to change a diaper for the first time. I was very well prepared for the birth itself. I wanted everyone to say, "Wow, you did a great job!"

Is this your personal ambition or societal expectation?

I found it fascinating to create a human being and wanted to know everything – from the worst-case scenario to the hospital setting. For example, if someone leaves the room without a word after a CTG (a fetal monitor to track the baby's heart rate), that's not a good sign. But I also wanted to be prepared because that's what's expected. They say the body is made for giving birth, so I wanted to deliver. You can find an incredible number of birth videos and tips on YouTube.

What did you come across?

There are a number of courses, seminars, and workshops there. Hypnobirthing fascinated me. It's a mix of meditation and relaxation. Some say you can breathe away the pain of childbirth. This means you hyperventilate until you're half-conscious. My midwife was more pragmatic. She didn't believe in a completely pain-free birth. She said that if I could no longer breathe through the pain of a contraction, it would be a good time for an epidural. Another course recommended the Lumen diet, where you don't eat any sugar for eight to sixteen weeks before giving birth. No fruit, no milk, not even fruit tea. There's certainly something to it, but it's not practical.

They stuck with sugar?

My baby arrived in January – and around Christmas it was impossible not to eat sugar. While reading about it, I was sitting on the train and simultaneously saw myself in the window, shoving a brownie into my mouth.

What were your cravings?

They were strange, for example spinach.

… because of the iron?

That's a myth; someone must have made a mistake with the decimal point.

As a mother, do you now look back on your childhood differently?

Completely different, especially with my mother. All those jokes about hysterical mothers that used to be made are unnecessary. Of course, a mother is constantly on edge. She doesn't just manage her children's lives, but the lives of the whole family. She knows when vaccinations are due, when someone changes classes, writes notes, and packs lunchboxes. I never understood why laundry was always such a stressful experience for my mother. She washed it in the basement, carried it upstairs, and then piled it up on the stairs for me. Today, I'm ashamed that I didn't even realize everything she did for us.

Has the relationship changed as a result of your own motherhood?

I'd love to talk to the younger version of my mother, because unfortunately, she doesn't remember much. My daughter started walking when she was only nine months old. It's absolutely terrifying, because her head feels so heavy then. As a mother, you repress a lot. I'm already noticing that.

What strengths and weaknesses do you notice about yourself right now?

I still find humor in situations where I actually want to cry. Often I cry briefly, then laugh again. I find the constant reflection of myself very amusing. Apparently, I'm very preoccupied with makeup, because my child talks about it all the time. You really have to be careful what you pass on. Do you react with delight to your child's physical appearance and say, "You look beautiful"—or do you talk more about how strong and smart they are?

What are you doing?

I try to address both.

Were you worried about having a humorless child?

Luckily, it's incredibly funny. Though currently rather unintentionally. The other day I had to answer a message in bed, and Instagram was still open. A Shakira video was playing. My child saw the singer in a full-body lace catsuit, shaking her bottom in slow motion. And what does the child say? They scream very loudly: "Mommy!"

Was your age an issue?

It bothered me before I was pregnant. Once I was pregnant and there was a good chance it would continue, I stopped thinking about it. You get older one way or another.

And is one always old to a child?

Yes. At least that's what my child thinks: I'm Shakira.

When does your sense of humor arise: in the moment or only after some distance from what happened?

Most of the time, when my mother asks, "What's the baby doing?" I describe it, and I often think, "That's actually quite something!" At the same time, I'm thinking about not doing so much about babies in my next show. I need to get back to more serious topics.

Are you referring to comments you've received?

Many have groaned that now there will only be mommy jokes. I find that almost funny: Before you have children, as a woman you often hear that you should have children. And once we have them, we shouldn't talk about them because it's annoying. Mommy topics are considered niche and boring.

You wrote that you received a lot of hate online. How did you deal with it?

As soon as I announced my pregnancy, the comments started pouring in. They were about my age, my shoes, and how I talked about my child. Some people hated the way I presented myself. In response, I exaggerated the whole thing in a TV show, deliberately staging myself with a throne of flowers and a veil. Sitting there, I read out the hate comments.

A rematch!

Yes, that was fun!

What would you like to initiate with this book?

I think it's important to show my child that I also take care of myself, my life, and my career. That's why the baby is in daycare, with a nanny, or with the grandparents while I'm working. On Mother's Day, we always celebrate this attitude: Our mother was always there. She never looked out for herself and always sacrificed herself for us. I'd like to question that. It's important to show that you also have your own life. That's how the child learns that self-care is important.

Here's the gist: Comedian and presenter Carolin Kebekus (45) became a mother last year and experienced a completely new feeling of helplessness due to the intense pain after childbirth. Now she's talking about supportive midwives, unsolicited advice from society, and the social pressure mothers face.

That's why it's important: The demands placed on women are high. The presenter felt the pressure to perform right up until she was in the delivery room and beyond. An overwhelming feeling that many mothers know.

This is the takeaway: Many women only realize what their own mothers do when they become mothers themselves. This wouldn't have to be the case if mothers' work were generally more valued.

Carolin Kebekus in an interview